The "Dead Man's Cake" blogs, issue #3.
Why
did I do this?
Why then, you might wonder, would anybody
decide to focus on something so morbid as to make a music CD pertaining to their
mother’s suicide? Here’s why.
·
They say you should write about
what you know, and this just happens to be my story. I’ve been thinking about writing about it for
a long time.
·
I’m a musician, so music is my
medium, and these ideas for songs meant more to me than anything else I could
think of. Ultimately, I just wanted to
make a good record.
·
It’s not just about suicide;
it’s about surviving that loss, and moving on.
So it’s actually an affirmation of life, and a lot of it is pretty
upbeat.
·
I want to use the act of
telling my story as an opportunity to speak out about the problem of suicide
generally, and join the chorus of voices that continue to call for improved mental
health care worldwide.
·
By “coming out” as a suicide
survivor, I want to challenge the stigma and taboos that cause people like me to
suffer in silence, and that marginalize people who suffer from mental illness,
like my mother did.
Dead
Man’s Cake: what it’s about.
The anti-suicide
message.
A defining moment of my life occurred when
I was 6 years old and my mother committed suicide by taking an overdose of
pills. This was a devastating,
life-changing event for me and my family.
As I’ve mentioned, the title of my record “Dead Man’s Cake” is a
metaphor for the poison she took to end her life, and for suicide
generally. So one of the main themes of
“Dead Man’s Cake” is its anti-suicide message, summarized by the chorus of the
title song:
Don’t you eat that Dead Man’s Cake;
Don’t you eat that Dead Man’s Cake.
If you’re thinking about taking your life,
don’t do it.
Don’t you eat that Dead Man’s Cake.
Suicide is an incredibly complex issue. I realize most people who consider suicide
are, by definition, suffering from severe mental health problems, and so in
many cases cannot be held responsible.
But given my experience, I felt I needed to speak out, strongly, against
it, and say, loudly and clearly: don’t
do it. There’s got to be a better
option. Stay alive, and deal with your
problems, or simply choose some other course of action. There are lots of other things you could try besides
that. There are so many reasons to live,
and despite the problems in the world, or problems in your life, it’s still a
world full of beautiful things. Why not
stick around? This too shall pass.
For the survivors, suicide creates as much
devastation in their lives as if a family member had been murdered, so it is
not only self-destructive, it is an act of brutal psychological violence
against others as well.
On suicide
prevention.
From what I’ve read: people who are suicidal should not be left
alone and should get immediate help from medical and psychiatric professionals. Here are some links regarding suicide
prevention.
On
the subject of suicide generally.
According to the World Health Organization,
every year, almost a million people worldwide die from suicide.
Suicide rates in various countries are
measured by the number of cases per 100,000 people. So by that measure, it might seem suicide
rates are relatively low (although they vary in different countries). For example in the U.S., according to
Wikipedia, it’s around 18 people per 100,000 per year. So in the year 2006, for example, the number
of suicides in the United States was around 33,000.
So it may not be a lot in terms of the
overall population of 7 billion, but as far as I’m concerned, a million people
a year committing suicide is a staggering number.
On being
a suicide survivor.
When my mother killed herself, I became
part of a subset of the population known as “suicide survivors,” or “suicide
grievers.”
We are not people who have attempted
suicide ourselves, but lived; those people are known as “suicide attempt
survivors.”
Instead, “suicide survivors” are people who
have been directly affected by the suicide loss of a close friend or family
member.
It’s believed that for every person who
commits suicide, there are on average 6 – 8 people who directly experience the
loss of that person. If these numbers
are to be believed, that means in the U.S. alone, approximately 250,000 people
a year enter the ranks of suicide survivors annually, and (given the figure of
a million suicides a year worldwide), there are six to eight million people
around the world who become new suicide survivors every year.
On
the stigma and the taboo.
The subject of suicide remains taboo. There is a stigma around mental health issues
generally, and particularly around suicide.
It is not something you can easily mention in polite conversation; it’s
considered to be in poor taste to discuss death in general, and suicide in
particular. It’s too depressing and
unpleasant in a world where many people seem to be mainly concerned with having
fun and being entertained (not that there’s anything wrong with that). But for anybody who brings it up, there’s a
very real fear of being shunned, because nobody wants to hear about it, or be
around the person discussing it.
Suicide survivors have experienced
something more complicated, and perhaps more traumatic, than when a loved one
dies by other causes. We quickly learn
we are supposed to keep quiet about it, sweep it under the rug, generally
pretend that our loved one never existed, that everything’s okay, and after a
(hopefully brief) period of mourning, we are expected to just move on and live
a normal life.
As another suicide survivor friend of mine
eloquently said, “we have the shared experience of losing
a vital family member to mental illness and then suicide! It's a loss that comes with added layers of
pain.”
So, with respect to all of this, “Dead
Man’s Cake” is my way of, in effect, “coming out” as a suicide survivor. I’m not necessarily going to bring it up at
every dinner party I attend, but I made this record partly because I’m tired of
being stigmatized. I’m tired of having
spent a lifetime pretending this didn’t happen, and that my Mom didn’t exist.
The art
therapy aspect.
In a number of ways, “Dead Man’s Cake” is an
art therapy project (in the sense that art-making can be therapeutic).
It is my way of saying, not only, “I have
survived,” but, “I will survive.”
By writing these songs and trying to shape
this complex history into a narrative, I actually feel quite a lot better for
having done it. I am thus reaching out
to others like me, and expressing a message of solidarity and hope. It is a unique set of problems that come with
being a suicide survivor, but it is possible with time and effort to move
toward healing. (I also recommend support
groups and talk therapy, both of which have also been vital in helping me move
forward).
I’ve been told by mental health
professionals that repeatedly telling your painful story can be
therapeutic. I found that to be true
with the making of this piece, and by talking about the piece, and thereby
continuing to talk about the story behind the piece, I expect that process will
continue for me. I hope hearing this
story may be of some value or interest to others.
Paying
tribute to my Mom.
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